The Power of No!

Almost their first word!

It’s funny to reflect that whilst many toddlers go through a serious ‘no’ stage, most of us grow out of this and in my experience, the majority of adults aim to please others and like to say ‘yes’ if they can.  Helping others is of course a good thing and something I would advocate strongly but there are times when it’s important to say ‘no’.

In my working life, I am clear that in order to ensure I can do my absolute best for every client, I have to say ‘no’ sometimes.  This isn’t easy - being self employed, it’s tempting to take every offer of work that comes my way but I know that would not be right for me or my clients.  It is only by limiting the number of ceremonies to which I commit that I am able to ensure I can give my full attention to every meeting, draft, rehearsal and delivery. I know of some celebrants who do back-to-back funerals; as many as 10 in a week; I know without hesitation that I would not be able to offer the level of service that I do and that I believe every person deserves, if this were me.  

Just say 'no'!!

It’s also important to say ‘no’ when a ceremony doesn’t feel right for some reason.  It hasn’t happened to me yet but I hope that if a client wanted something that didn’t sit comfortably with me (most likely to be something sexist, racist or homophobic) I would politely decline and suggest they find a different celebrant.

Outside my working life, my boundaries are not as clear and too often I have agreed to see someone, help someone or do something and then found that I wish I hadn’t!  I was brought up with clear expectations around service to others, learnt early in life that the most fun is often to be had behind the scenes at a party; working, setting up, clearing away, doing the dishes and so on.  This is undoubtedly true but can lead to me taking on too much of a support role.  I used to tease my mum that she ‘needed to be needed’ only to find that I am the same!  If someone needs help or support I am delighted if I am the person they turn to.  Most of the time this is fine but just occasionally I can find myself over committed or can become resentful that I seem to be the only one helping. 

Socially, it’s a disaster!  As a die-hard extrovert, I really find saying ‘no’ to a chance to meet with others difficult.  As I’ve got older I have become better at tolerating my own company and these days of working from home, have begun even to enjoy some quiet days of solitude, but generally speaking the more social occasions I have the more I need to be satiated.  This can lead to some exceptionally busy times.  Luckily I am married to an introvert who, whilst enjoying social company, has a definite limit and he regularly holds me in check.  I don’t think I’ll ever find it easy to say no to the opportunity for a coffee and natter, or to turn down an invitation to supper with friends but I am grateful to have someone who insists that I do - even if I don’t feel grateful at the time!

'Go'

Whilst we should all be confident to say 'no' to people when the demands are too much

or simply too many, it’s also important that we don’t adopt the toddler’s approach of an automatic ‘no’…to everything!  Sometimes when our first instinct is ‘no’ - to try something new, to step outside our comfort zone or to take a risk, we’d be better to stop and consider.  By saying ‘yes’ we might just find a new hobby, connect with someone special and for sure we’ll be in for some personal growth.

So I will continue to search for the perfect balance between ‘yes’ and ‘no’ and leave you with the words of Alan Cohen, “Personal growth is not a matter of learning new information, but of unlearning old limits.”

By Catrina Young, Leicestershire Heart-led celebrant, Marking Life’s Moments.

© Hardingstone Ceremonies, June 2025