As with most things, expectations around how to dress for a funeral are changing. As little as 50 years ago, this was a question few would even have asked since the answer was so simple - for men a black suit with a black tie and for women a sombre black dress, with or without a veil. Today, the answer to the question is as varied as the many who ask it. In short, at a funeral we should show ‘respect’ to the deceased but what this means to one person will be very different to another.
In Victorian times, as demonstrated by the Queen herself, mourning dress was deeply symbolic and, for most, rigidly followed. Respect meant that for the first year after her husband’s death a widow was expected to wear plain, simple dresses that were completely black - ‘widow’s weeds’ as they were known, had their origins in the simple black habits of nuns and clergy and were designed to demonstrate that the widow was far removed from the vanity of fashion and sex appeal. During the next nine months, she was allowed and expected to add lace and organza trims to the dresses and then in the third and final stage of mourning, known as 'half mourning' and lasting three to six months, the widow could gently ease back towards normal daily attire by introducing grey, purple and even white to her wardrobe. The strict pattern and timescale to observe was designed to indicate the slow, painful journey from devastation to rejoining society. Queen Victoria famously adopted the full mourning dress for the remainder of her life after the death of Prince Albert. For widowers the process was both simpler and shorter; men were expected to wear full mourning dress of a black suit for three months.
Thankfully, such restrictions no longer apply and society recognises that grief is not a linear process to be navigated and it certainly does not follow a set timescale! Whilst there are no longer any expectations of formal mourning dress for men or women, the default position for the funeral itself is to wear something formal and sombre. There’s no need for pure black these days - a navy, grey or maroon outfit is perfectly fine and many people will team these with a coloured shirt or patterned fabrics. Suits are not necessarily required but a level of modesty is still expected - you may cause offence to some if you wear an outfit that is considered too revealing, is particularly short or you turn up in scruffy jeans and a t-shirt. Think practically too - if you're attending a burial, thin heels are to be avoided, the site of chapels and crematoria are often windswept; wear something warm, unless it's the height of summer.
Increasingly, funerals are being replaced by Celebrations of Life. They are more varied and personal and the norms of attire are changing alongside that. Often families today will ask mourners to wear bright, colourful clothing, perhaps to pay homage to a particular sports team or honour the deceased by wearing their favourite colour. If the deceased had a strong sense of style, we can show our connection to, and respect for, them by reflecting this - the funeral of the British designer Alexander McQueen in 2010 was awash with models in eye-catching examples of his most flamboyant outfits. A funeral for someone young, is likely to be less formal and more casual attire may feel appropriate.
If it falls to you to organise a funeral, indicating a dress code on the announcement is helpful for those attending. “No black please”, “No mourning clothes necessary, please feel free to wear a splash of colour”, “Please show your support for the Foxes by wearing blue / white” or “leopard print welcome!” are all ways to guide those attending in order to ensure the congregation are dressed as you, and more importantly the deceased, would choose. If you do not say anything specific you can assume that most people will opt for the default position of formal and sombre as described above.
The dress code you choose for a funeral is a powerful element to making it right for your loved one. Sometimes, the deceased has left instructions - this can be really helpful for family left behind, to know they are fulfilling their loved one's wishes. For more information on protocol around funerals, please see my FAQs and for my thoughts on the value of ceremony, please see my blog.
By Catrina Young, Leicestershire Heart-led celebrant, Marking Life’s Moments.
© Hardingstone Ceremonies, October, 2024
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