Having a Memorial Service

I recently met with a family who were struggling following the death of their much loved Grandfather.  Nothing unusual in that; of course it is normal to take time to adjust to life without a loved one and we know “grief is the price we pay for love”.  What made this particular situation more difficult was that the gentleman concerned had opted for a Direct Funeral in the hope that he’d spare his loved ones the cost and hassle of organising a more traditional funeral.  However, despite these wholly good intentions his family were left with a sense of not having said goodbye ‘properly’ and felt they hadn’t had closure.  It can be exceptionally hard on those left behind if they feel torn between fulfilling the wishes of their loved one who has opted and often already paid for a direct cremation and their own wishes to mark the passing of their life and to celebrate that life.

Funeral urns. Photo courtesy of Juliet Golding - Celebrant.

I have written elsewhere about my feelings on the importance of a funeral and admit to a prejudice against direct funerals (see blog) although absolutely acknowledge they do have their place.  There are all sorts of reasons why a direct funeral can be the best option including, but not limited to, when someone dies abroad, when a family wishes to hold the cremation quickly, perhaps for religious reasons or simply to fulfill the wishes of their loved one.  Sometimes, it is simply to separate the practical act from the personal or spiritual remembering of that person’s life.  

Safari tent at Mid-England Barrow

A memorial service can be a fitting follow up to a direct cremation.  It can take whatever form the family chooses - this includes, the timing be that the same day as a cremation or years later.  It can take place wherever suits the family from home to village hall, favourite park to local pub.  Such an occasion is free from the usual time restrictions (crematorium services are usually a maximum of 40mins) and can be as lively or sombre as you choose.  If your loved one is best remembered by a party, that’s no problem, if they loved a pic-nique with the grandchildren, why not recreate that? For more options of ways to say goodbye, please see my blog.

Of course, there’s no need for a ceremony at a memorial event and traditions often emerge organically; my family still congregates around my Dad's birthday each year with a toast to ‘absent friends’.  However, sometimes marking a memorial more formally can be helpful.  A service at which you remember your loved one, perhaps in the form of a eulogy, and formally acknowledge their passing through poetry, music or ritual can be supremely helpful - not in stopping our grief but in acknowledging it and therefore giving it a place  in our lives. 

Some versions of memorial services of which I am aware include; a tree-planting ceremony, a placement of ashes ceremony within Mid-England Barrow, an interment of ashes within a natural burial ground and an anniversary memorial. 

By Catrina Young, Leicestershire Heart-led celebrant, Marking Life’s Moments.

©Hardingstone Ceremonies, August, 2025