When a loved one dies, the next of kin are required, by law, to register the death (for more information). After this, loved ones usually turn their attention to decisions around how to say goodbye. Of course this is intensely personal - what feels right for one person might seem depressing and irrelevant to another. If you’re lucky, you will have had conversations with your loved one and know, at least some of their thoughts, about the kind of farewell they would like; planning a farewell when you have no idea what the person themselves wanted is especially difficult.
The most important thing to know is that you can say goodbye in almost any way that feels right for you. The marking of the death of a loved one by funeral, cremation, burial etc. is entirely separate to the legal registration of death. Whilst Direct Cremation - one where there is no ceremony and at which there are no mourners present - is growing in popularity, many professionals in end of life care are nervous of this for a number of reasons. (Direct Funerals - the Case Against). If you are convinced that a Direct Funeral is right for you, please consider approaching a local Funeral Director with a good reputation; they all offer Direct services, at the same or even lower prices to the national companies. Unlike a national company though, they will care for and arrange the cremation/burial of your loved one locally. Of course a Direct Cremation does not preclude a separate memorial or Celebration of Life at a later point - see below.
Whilst there is no legal requirement to use a Funeral Director, the majority of people do; I recommend using an Independent, local FD - ask in your community for recommendations. A good Funeral Director will support and guide you throughout the process of organising your farewell. (Choosing the Right FD). If the deceased was, or their family is, religious, a faith ceremony will be most appropriate and your local faith leaders will help with this. Many people today prefer to have a Celebrant officiate their service (What is a Celebrant) - there are many available from Humanist celebrants who will officiate according to humanist principles with no reference to spirituality through to Independent Celebrants like myself who, as you’d expect, are independent of any particular perspective and will help to create a service to reflect any and all the nuances of your loved one’s life. (Choosing a Celebrant) The service can be funny if that feels right, you don’t have to wear black (What Should I Wear to a Funeral) and it can take place anywhere eg village hall, private garden or favourite beauty spot with or without the body / ashes present.
Burial - Many church and public burial grounds are full and it is not uncommon for those wishing to bury a loved one to have to compromise on location unless they have a family plot already. There is a growing number of natural burial sites which offer burials to people of any faith and none. The difference to churchyards is that the means of marking the graves is simpler and more environmental - each site has its own rules but headstones, artificial flowers etc. are not usually allowed. A recent addition to the quest for an environmental option is the arrival of the Loop Living Cocoon or ‘mushroom coffin’. Made from 100% recycled materials and biodegradable in 45 days it is a huge step forward in the effort to make the funeral industry more sustainable (more information).
Cremation - Crematoria are either privately owned or run by the local authority and they vary in terms of style and the time slot they allow for each service. My advice is to consider opting for a ‘double- slot’ if you expect a lot of mourners or want a service with a number of elements - family speaking, hymns, readings etc. Crematoria have to be efficient regarding timings and even at my local one where service slots are a generous 40 mins, families often find they are short of time to say goodbye in the manner they’d ideally choose.
If you choose cremation for your loved one, their remains will be returned to you and there are a number of options for next steps, from jewellery to fireworks! (Ways to Remember a Loved One) You might feel it is right to ‘lay the ashes to rest’ - this can be done with or without a ceremony which can be formal or informal. As a celebrant, I’m aware of my bias but believe that marking the moment and location of ashes can be a huge comfort to families. I recently visited a purpose built modern barrow (burial ground) and was struck by the beauty and peace of the barrow itself and its rural surroundings (Spotlight on Mid-England Barrow).
If you’d like to mark the death of a loved one, need help to say goodbye or think I can help in any way, do get in touch.
By Catrina Young, Leicestershire Heart-led celebrant, Marking Life’s Moments.
©Hardingstone Ceremonies, March 2025.
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